Writing is like this. A lot of editing. A lot of rewriting. A lot of pushing “delete”. I over-edit. I criticize before the words even hit the page. I seek perfection.

I need to stop.

Perfectionism is a disease. Partly it’s my fault that I have to undo so much. I cut corners, whether it’s refusing to plot or refusing to check my gauge. It’s easy to think I can sit around waiting for the muse to sweep me away to Creative Genius Land, where the words will flow like wine and fluffy pink bunnies poop goal, motivation, and conflict. Yes, I said, “poop.” I’ve become uncouth in this say-anything-I-want-to brave new blogging direction. I DON’T HAVE TO BE PROFESSIONAL. LA-LA-LA-LA-LA…

Just kidding. I’m much too tightly wound to ever say anything embarrassing on the internet. Perfectionism! Bane of my existence. You know what the real problem is? To a perfectionist there are only two choices: perfection or nothing. Since perfection is impossible–it doesn’t exist–that leaves nothing. I would rather create rubbish than create nothing, because the act of creation makes me happy. I am fueled by other people’s approval my love of my art.

It’s quite freeing to think that only two people read this blog anymore. I am writing for myself, as it should be.

Now if only I could carry that over to my manuscript.

In other exciting news, which may or may not be even bigger news, the baby is currently napping IN HER CRIB. I love attachment parenting and baby wearing, but it created a baby who only wants to nap in the front pack. After a year and almost 21 lbs, my back is killing me. Also, she no longer sleeps through typing, so I can’t write when she naps any more. The crib will be our friend. The crib will be our friend. The crib…

Sweet-as-Pie knitting pattern from Tot Toppers

You know how I said I didn’t need no stinkin’ gauge swatch? Well, as it turns out, YES….YES, I DO. I thought I’d a smaller size needles and end up with an 18 month sized dress, but it turns out I needed even bigger needles than called for in this pattern to make something that might possibly fit an 18 month old, not a doll. Whoops. I moved from size 6 to size 9, and the skirt so far looks much more reasonable. I’m still madly in love with the yarn.

I also bought this pattern from a new-to-me pattern shop that I love. Isn’t it adorable??? And a new lace pattern that has zero leaves! Hurray! Not that I dislike the leaf lace pattern; I’m just bored of it. Hopefully it will be warm enough in Seatown this summer for J to wear this dress. Yesterday it apparently snowed near here, but I haven’t lost hope yet that spring may visit us. SUN. IT BURNS ME PRECIOUSSSSS. Just kidding. SUN I NEED YOU!!! SOB. I’m so tired of rain. Did I just say that??? What kind of Seattle native am I? They’ll revoke my membership.

Malabrigo Yarn Rios

But this post was about casting on a new project. I went to the yarn store to purchase some leafy green Spud & Chloe Sweater yarn with the idea of making my own owl sweater dress: the top would be owls in the left-over yellow from the Owlet sweater I just made, the skirt would be a leaf lace pattern in green. But when confronted with the green choices at the store I balked. The green just didn’t jump out at me, and I was unsure of my ability to remake the pattern into my own. I dawdled around the store, hubby and baby in tow, until I happened upon a beautiful dark blue colored yarn. I didn’t have a pattern for it, but I wanted it. So, spur of the moment, bought it. It’s superwash merino and pretty thick. Aran, I think. I whiled away my free hours last night surfing ravelry for a good pattern, only to decide to do the owlet sweater again. After casting on and knitting a few rows, I changed my mind and frogged it. The Owlet Sweater, I decided, is been there, done that. I want to learn something new. Something just challenging enough to hold my attention, but not too challenging that I put it aside and forget about it.

Elenka Dress designed by Inna Aleksandrova, knit by Yantarik

Today I cast on a new dress that I think I’ll stick with. The Elenka pattern’s smallest size is 2T, so I’m knitting with smaller size 6 needles. They feel tiny in my hands, so used to size 8. Of course I didn’t knit a gauge swatch. I’m pantsing it, again, hoping that it’ll fit J for this summer, not next, when I’m done.

The blue will bring out her eyes.

I also bid on and won a Scrivener package from Larissa Ione. I realize that I’m procrastinating by reading books on craft and studying structure and pondering–always pondering–am I doing the right thing??? That Amanda Hocking person is making how much epublishing? Will people even be reading paper books in three years when mine comes out? And the grass is always greener. Cast on, cast off. What I need to do is make a choice and stay the course, because the end will be the same. J will look good in the brilliant dark blue whether it’s an owl or a pussycat. People will read my book in print or on the screen. Some will like it, some will hate it, but the story will be out there to light my little corner of the universe.

Now for the real work: knit one, purl two, and repeat.

Owlet pattern by Kate Davies, knit in Spud & Chloe Sweater yarn (organic cotton-wool blend)

I’ve really been limited in what I feel comfortable talking about on the blog for the last few years, ever since I realized people actually read this thing. Honestly, I have a lot of anxiety about sharing my thoughts on the internet. Mr. Stewart, he of the 10 thousand twitter followers, does not have these qualms. But I’m a shy, sensitive sort, and so I worry about how strangers perceive me and how one might take my words out of context and generally doing things wrong on the internet.

I’m going to worry less about what other people think about me, stress less about blogging grammatically correct sentences, and embrace the creative community that the internet can be when we aren’t being snarky drama queens. I’m poking my head out of my shell again to share the light of my creativity with the world one post at a time. I can’t guarantee that I’ll post regularly, but it’ll be a sight more than never.

Until then, mes amis, this is good night and good luck.

Hope can also be frightening. Sometimes I want to spit three times and turn in a circle just to be safe. It’s a fragile thing, but it blooms in the darkest corners of our hearts.

I love starting a new year, like starting a new book. It is full of the promise of good things to come. The anticipation is the often the best part. The heartache is when reality doesn’t measure up to our dreamy expectations, so this year I’m not going to make any new year’s resolutions. I’m going to go with the flow, play it by ear, let the universe unfold as it will. I’m sure it will have many surprises in store.

What are you looking forward to this year? (Besides, of course, reading SHADOWFEVER and finishing Karen Marie Moning’s riveting Fever series. All I can say is, if Barrons and Mac don’t end up HEA, my expectations will have been cruelly dashed.)

Yes, yes, I’m still writing. I’m just in the brainstorm/plotting section of my new project. NaNo is a little too early for me.

And I’ve been READING. WOOT! Steampunk. It’s where it’s at. I hate that phrase. I recommend LEVIATHAN by Scott Westerfield and BLOOD AND CHOCOLATE by Annette Curtis Klause. The latter is not Steampunk and is nothing like the disappointing movie loosely based on it–thank you writing gods. It predates the YA craze, and has the rich prose and kick ass heroines that I’d like to see more of in today’s Bella-centric tomes.

What’s on your needles?

“But Ciara,” you say,”you’re exhausted. Isn’t your baby still waking up every 2-3 hours during the night? You should be sleeping when your baby goes to bed!”

Believe me, I’ve tried. But I’ve decided to make the best of my body’s inability to fall asleep before midnight no matter how tired I am. I am going to write!

“But Ciara,” you say, “how can you possibly be coherent after not sleeping for seven months?”

Coherent? I said I was doing NaNoWriMo, not writing brilliant prose. The beauty of NaNo is that one is saved from the expectation of churning out some beautiful work of art. Nano is time for writing whatever thoughts tumble from your madly typing fingers. 50,000 words is not a novel, but it can be a great jumping off point for writing a rough draft. Last night I wrote 1,900 words (more than the 1,667 word minimum!). I’m using this time to get my ideas down on paper. In December my writing muscle will be back in shape, and I’ll start wrestling my ideas into something resembling a novel.

In case you are curious, this year I’m writing a Young Adult Steampunk Romance.

So. Who’s with me?

How do you celebrate Halloween? What are you, or your kids, dressing as? What’s your favorite type of Halloween candy?

Follow along online or in person. There are happy hour, late night, and author reading events as part of the writing marathon. Check out the full schedule online. The event raises money for literacy programs in our fair city, including 826 Seattle and Seattle Arts & Lectures’ Writers in the Schools Program.

Seattle Public Library’s Shelf Talk blog asked some of the writers what their favorite books on writing are. Classics by Donald Maass and Stephen King made the list, but the other four I haven’t heard of. I see a trip to the library in my future.